The Frantic Romantic: Rules for Dating
After falling on my face for years in relationships and having learned the hard way, I finally figured out how to identify a healthy partner. Most heterosexual women tend to fall for the bad guys, a.k.a. the narcissists. It took me until my forties to realize that I needed to look for a partner based on life goals and a strong character versus lust-driven impulsivity.
Once I devoted time to the search (after yet another failed relationship), I committed to using my brain and logic instead of my heart and emotion. I typed out a list of characteristics I wanted my life partner to have. I went on a dating site and only matched with men who had the same goals as I did (no exceptions). I was looking for an older man who didn’t want any more children. I wanted to date a non-smoker, someone who liked to travel, and who had also experienced a divorce. I wanted a partner with a steady job, who would offer the stability I needed in my chaotic life. I was very picky about who I chose to contact. Eventually, after carefully vetting my potential partners, I landed on a man who appeared to be the right fit. After one date I knew he was the one because he ticked all of the boxes—so I stopped looking and we are now married.
When my clients ask how I finally found a healthy partner, I coach them to follow my experiment. I encourage them to make a list of 10 to 20 characteristics that they want in a partner and DO NOT MEET IN PERSON until you are sure they are a match! (If you meet in person, you may let chemistry and a few too many glasses of wine interrupt the interview process.)
Once you find your person (you have done the vetting over text, phone calls, and Google searches) and you are ready to meet face to face, follow these five dating rules:
Date one is all about discovering if the person you have been chatting with over the phone is the real deal. You must drive yourself to the venue, be on-time, match your picture and description, keep the date brief, meeting for coffee, or (one) cocktail—no formal dining. Show no physical affection other than a handshake or a hug. Short and sweet. Keep them wanting more, (if that’s what you want too).
Date two involves questioning your partner. Similar to a call back for a second interview. This is your opportunity to dig deeper into the questions you may have asked over the phone. Get to know more about the person’s life story, dating history, and bucket list goals. Do not be afraid to ask personal questions. Be honest about what you are looking for. Drive yourself, stay for a meal and dessert, but go home alone! You may offer a goodnight kiss, but that’s it.
Date three is the make it or break it date. This date defines the trajectory of your future with this person. You are either in it and going somewhere or it appears to be too challenging, and it’s time to get out. If you want to stick with it, you need to make sure your date is on the same page. This date can be a day trip with more time spent together but no overnight stay or sex.
Date four is the feelings date. If you made it to date four, you have both expressed interest in pursuing a relationship with each other. You are admitting that you are “starting to fall.” You can begin to discuss exclusivity. You can start planning a romantic overnight for date five. On the ABC Bachelor show, this is called “The Fantasy Suite Date.” Only agree to this if you are “all in.”
Date five is the “Fantasy Suite Date.” This is the date you can admit your feelings and have sexy time. If date five goes well, you should agree to be exclusive and you are free to move forward with the relationship. There are no more rules other than transparency!
It may be difficult to wait to be intimate until date five for some people. However, if you treat looking for your partner the same way you would look for the CFO of your company, I am sure it would take more than five meetings to decide. We often choose our partners without doing any due diligence. We surely would not put our company in a stranger’s hands, why would we not be as cautious with our bodies? If at any time your date does not agree to follow these rules you have set for yourself - run! If you start compromising your own rules in the beginning, imagine what you will give up down the road.
If you follow these rules and have success, please write to me and share your story.
