Emma’s Story
Growing up, I dealt with a lot of issues that did not surface as a psychological diagnosis until I was older. From when I can first remember, my sister and I were raised by nannies. My father was always working and my mom was usually in bed. My mom was diagnosed at nineteen with Multiple Sclerosis which took a big toll on her and our family. It was difficult growing up in a home where your mom isn't ‘all there’ and a dad who is always working is hard. My dad always put in his best effort to keep our family functioning, but it was difficult to do that while my mom was getting worse.
Although I don't have many memories of my mom, my dad knew the person she was before she was diagnosed. That was his reasoning for staying with her. She became emotionally and physically abusive when her symptoms started worsening. She was bedridden for a while, but she decided to try a new diet—veganism. Once she started up with that her psychical symptoms got a little better since she was able to lose a lot of physical weight, but the emotional weight was still a burden. It is hard seeing your mom turn into a completely different person.
My mom and dad's relationship was strained because of how she acted towards our family. She caused us all a lot of trauma. Both my sister and I dealt with mental illness when we got a little older. Therapists said it was most likely caused by our home life, (PTSD), but my mom was in complete denial because she was in her own world. It was nearly impossible to get through to her about anything. Eventually we had CPS coming into our home for abuse, but still my mom was in denial. She refused to take blame for anything.
Until my dad found out that she had cheated on him, she had complete control over everything. She was completely - and still is - delusional. It is beyond painful wanting to have a normal mom, but having a hurtful and cruel one instead. Not being able to blame her for her illness, I would take the blame out on myself. Internally and externally I would cause myself pain to try to deal with all of the hurt I was experiencing. My mom was told by a psychologist that she was Bipolar 1. Delusions being her main symptom. Her delusion was that "fruit was the answer to everything." Since fruit helped her multiple sclerosis she believed it truly was the only answer. Whenever I needed my mom, all I would get in return was "well maybe if you ate fruit..." It hurt so much to hear that.
In the beginning of eighth grade I started therapy. I have been going continuously to this day (17 years of age). I had many lows, and I was so depressed for so long - that I completely lost myself. Towards the end of 8th grade, I got into a very emotionally and verbally abusive relationship, which I was in for two years. During this time, my mom was at her worst. I stayed in the relationship because it was the only source of affection I could get, even though it was only temporary. After two years, we finally called it quits and ended things for good because we both knew how unhappy we were.
After that I had to find myself again after being lost and controlled by one person for such a long time. I ended up going to Saint Clares Hospital in New Jersey and then was sent to High Focus for intensive outpatient treatment. In High Focus I made great progress. I was diagnosed with severe major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. This helped push me to accept my mental illness and put effort into getting better. Eventually, I made friends again, after not being allowed to have them for years. I got out of my shell little by little. Each day got a little easier and I put work into bettering myself. It took me about a year a half to get myself to where I am now. I've had many downs, but every time I always fight my way back. I used to get scared when I would get upset once in a while and beat myself up for it. I now realize it’s okay to get upset and it doesn't mean you have lost all of your progress. Everyday is a fight but I’m determined, and I am happier than I have been in years.
