Red Flags
by Dejaye Botkin, LPC
I'm going under and this time I fear there's no one to save me. This all or nothing's really got a way of driving me crazy. I need somebody to heal, somebody to know, somebody to have, somebody to hold. It's easy to say, but it's never the same, I guess I kinda liked the way you numbed all the pain. Now the day bleeds - into nightfall, and you're not here to get me through it all. I let my guard down, and then you pulled the rug, I was getting kinda used to being someone you loved. – Lewis Capaldi
Dear Daughter,
I hope by me sharing my personal experiences of pain and heartbreak with you, I will help you avoid the tragedies I have endured over my lifetime. I know when you are in love, it feels like floating on a cloud. Your heart is racing; you feel beautiful and valued. You cannot imagine anything tearing your dream apart, yet, deep inside, you are panicked at the idea of it all being fantasy.
When we are in love, we often ignore red flags. We give our beloved too many chances to do better, be better, trying to prolong an inevitable unhappy ending. We may let a comment slip here and there, about not being ladylike or letting ourselves go. Over time, we may start to tolerate name-callings like crazy bitch or psycho. We excuse bad behavior by assuming that all men talk that way, or thinking he was just upset. Sometimes we even blame ourselves for his poor behavior. We say to ourselves, "I deserved it, I triggered him." When he gets physically threatening, we tell ourselves, "At least he didn't hit me!"
When his controlling behavior begins to erode our lives, we rationalize by saying to ourselves, "at least he cares!" When his phone buzzes with a text from some random girl, he excuses it as a friendly hello. If we push, he pushes back and tells us we are paranoid.
Gaslighting is his modus operandi. We become psychologically tortured, questioning our reality, judgment, and sanity. We begin to tell ourselves that he is the best we can get. We think, "Maybe I am crazy, maybe he is right; maybe I am the problem!" We become paralyzed, living in shame and self-hatred. Our desire to continue breathing becomes blurry. We don't want to go, but we know we can't stay.
In 2015, when I wrote Thinking Clearly, I was motivated to help other survivors interpret abusive language so they can make healthy choices. Over the past five years, since I have written the guide, I continue to witness countless clients starting therapy to fix themselves so their partner will stop being abusive. We are personalizing the blame to feel a sense of control over an impossible situation. It doesn't work. We can always improve ourselves and our reactions to situations, but not for someone who does not deserve our efforts. We should only change for ourselves – no one else.
I am writing this letter to you because I have been there. I get it. I understand the thin line of insanity. I know why people say crazy in love. Love does make us temporarily crazy, meaning it confuses rational thinking. I want you to know that it will hurt like hell to leave, but to stay will be imprisoning your soul. Either way, whatever you decide. I love you.
